Divorce is not an Option.org
This site is dedicated to helping couples avoid divorce. It has a
Christian perspective, but it is intended to be of help to all who wish to avoid a divorce.
The main focus on this site is a marriage in crisis.
"Failure is not an Option" became the famous battle cry during
the epic struggle that was the flight of Apollo 13.
The result has been characterized as follows:
"By a matchless display of tenacity, resourcefulness, ingenuity
and courage, a determined group of men at Mission Control working closely
with a cool, expert crew averted catastrophe and brought the astronauts
through a brush with death."
(Excerpted from W. David Compton, Where No Man Has Gone Before:
A History of Apollo Lunar Exploration Missions
(Washington, D.C.: NASA SP-4214, 1989), pp. 386-93.)
This web site challenges couples to also display tenacity, resourcefulness, ingenuity, and courage to avoid divorce and build a successful marriage.
If you are separated, or your spouse is threatening to separate,
this site is especially for you. You are encouraged to read the
essays and explore the links.
The information on this site is intended to provide sources of help for those in difficult situations. Unfortunately, as with all human relationships, even the best of help may not yield a positive result, and there is no guarantee, warranty, or promise regarding the content of the information. The web site is not providing any legal or professional services. The web author is not a licensed psychologist or counselor. Those who visit or use the web site or links assume all risks associated with the information. Email:
You are also invited to send email if you have any questions or comments. Click link to send email: DivorceIsNotAnOption.org Email
Marriage and Divorce Links
If you are separated, and you want to reconcile, but your partner is resisting.
If you are separated, and you do not want to reconcile.
Book Review: Now You Can Stop Your Divorce
Or Lover's Rejection -- Even When
Your Situation Seems Hopeless
|If you are separated, and you want to reconcile, but your partner is resisting. I'm sorry that this has happened. I hope that you will be able to reconcile with your mate. I want to help you. You have to be very careful with your words and actions. Your first reactions will be some combination of anger, remorse, and denial. You will feel angry that your mate has left you, remorseful of the mistakes that you have made, and in denial that this is for real. Your instincts will be to blame your mate for her problems. (The advice offered here applies to a husband or wife. I'll arbitrarily use "her" for simplicity.) You will feel the need to accept blame for your own deficiencies, real or imagined. You will also want to reason, argue, and plead with your mate to reconcile. Unfortunately, your instincts are not your best friend in this crisis. You need to carefully assess the situation, and think about how to apply words and actions that that will lead to a successful reconciliation, not words and actions that you feel. A good beginning point is to consider a "Seinfeld" episode. The story begins with George who is unemployed and living with his parents. He concludes that his poor lot in life has occurred because all his decisions have been bad ones. He decides that from now on he will do the opposite. And of course, in doing the opposite, his life changes dramatically for the better and he ends up with a dream job of working for the New York Yankees. The episode was funny, but it also illustrates an important lesson in life. Thus, the best strategy you can employ is to do the opposite of your feelings. If your spouse has separated, or is threatening to separate, your response should be, "I agree. The marriage is irrevocably broken. We should get a divorce. Is there anything I can do to help?" You may think that this is strange, even contrary to the goals of this web site. But as perverse as it seems, this is exactly the strategy that will give you the best chance of reconciling. Think about what you have accomplished. You are no longer the enemy. You have joined her side, and are working for her good. You have taken away all the weapons that she wants to use against you. Don't stop there. Be happy. Fake it if you have to. No one wants to be around someone in pain, let alone negotiate a relationship. Your goal is to present yourself as someone worth pursuing, not an object of pity. Be indifferent. The one that controls any relationship is the one who wants it the least. The worst thing you can do when buying a car is to fall in love with one. Now the salesman has got you and will not be willing to compromise on price. But as long as you can walk out the door, the salesman has to work to get your business. I know we are not buying cars here, but human emotions are similar in both cases. The most important issue is not your disagreements or past failures. Those are all a distant second in priority. The most important issue is to think of it as a situation where your spouse has taken the relationship hostage. Your goal is to break her motivation to hold the prize. The best and fastest way to do this is to devalue the relationship. If what the spouse is holding hostage becomes worthless, it is not worth holding it. It forces her to try something different to accomplish her goals. Of most importance, don't argue, reason, cajole, plead, or try anything to talk her out of it. It will not work. Trust me. You didn't plead and cajole her when you asked her out for a date. You didn't plead and cajole to get her to marry you. You asked, and it was her free choice to make a decision. The situation hasn't changed. How would you feel if a woman asked you out, and you said no, and then she pleaded and tried to reason with you to persuade you to go? It would be repulsive, and you would want to run. The same principle applies. All your efforts to reason and persuade will be viciously rejected. Instead of arguing, act the way you did when you were courting. Be confident, self-assured, even humorous. Communicate through your words and actions that you are a valuable person and give her the opportunity to realize that she just may be losing a good thing. We humans tend to devalue what we have, and value what we don't have. This is especially true in romantic affairs. Make this little quirk of human nature work for you. The best way to do this is to communicate the message that there are women out there who would want and appreciate you, and you intend to find them. The point is not to play a game here. The point is to change the whole dynamics of the situation by giving her a different perspective. It gives her a chance to re-evaluate your strengths and weaknesses in a different light. So now that you have devalued the relationship, acted happy and indifferent, refrained from arguing, and let her know that other women are out there, what can be done to persuade her to change her mind and reconcile with you? Nothing. I'm sorry. I'm just the messenger. But again, let's assess the situation. If you choose the way of your instincts, you are the big bad enemy trying to force her to submit to your will. Fat chance of that happening. Instead, you have given her the option of a relationship with a confident winner. It is her choice. She is not being forced into anything. The difference is dramatic. I know that this is difficult to accept, but this is what you signed up for when you were married. She was free to leave at any time, and there was never a time when you could force her to stay. Arguing and pleading will only drive her away and validate the reasons why she wants to leave. Acting confident and happy will bolster her incentive to not throw away something valuable. All you can do in the crisis is to act in a way that will give you the best chance to reconcile. I hope you can see what makes the best sense. I wish you well.|
If you are separated, and you do not want
It would be great if I could write some magic words that could persuade people to easily change hearts and minds. But if I could do that I would have a lot more money than I have today.
Rather than attempt such a daunting task, I would just be interested in hearing from someone in this situation. I'm really curious about this, and I want to understand. If you are in this situation, please send email and help me to understand your feelings.I'll end with a story that may or may not be true. It is just a rumor as I have not checked it out. (I don't intend to check it out.) Anyway, a woman walked into a marriage counselors office demanding, "I want a divorce. I have had it, and I'm tired of suffering. In fact, I want more than a divorce. I want to punish that man severely. What is the worst that I can do to him?" The counselor thinks about it. "OK. Start by being the best wife you can be. Become his dream wife. Cater to his every whim and desire. Do every thing he wants you to do, lovingly and joyfully." The woman angrily explodes, "Well how is that going to punish him?" The counselor responds, "Well, after a month, leave him. He will never get that treatment again, and he'll be forever sorry for the day you left him." The woman thinks about it and smiles. "Yes, I see. That is an ingenious plan. Thank you so much. I'll do it." The counselor calls the woman a little over a month later and asks, "Have you left him?" The woman replies, "Leave him? Are you kidding? I have the best husband any woman could ever have!"
|Book Review: Now You Can Stop Your Divorce Or Lover's Rejection -- Even When Your Situation Seems Hopeless There is an ebook available on the internet with this title. You can find it at StopYourDivorce.com. I bought it, and I highly recommend it as an excellent source for handling the situation. However, the title is misleading. It implies that it is possible to stop the divorce or lover's rejection. I'm sorry, but the reality is that you may not be able to stop either. Nevertheless, I believe that the strategies described in the book are your best chance to achieve a reconciliation.|
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Now You Can Stop Your Divorce Or Lover's Rejection -- Even When Your Situation Seems Hopeless
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