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If you are separated, and you want
to reconcile, but your partner is resisting.
I'm sorry that this has happened. I hope that you will be able to reconcile with your mate. I want to help you.
You have to be very careful with your words and actions. Your first reactions will be some combination of anger, remorse, and denial. You will feel angry that your mate has left you, remorseful of the mistakes that you have made, and in denial that this is for real.
Your instincts will be to blame your mate for her problems. (The advice offered here applies to a husband or wife. I'll arbitrarily use "her" for simplicity.) You will feel the need to accept blame for your own deficiencies, real or imagined. You will also want to reason, argue, and plead with your mate to reconcile.
Unfortunately, your instincts are not your best friend in this crisis. You need to carefully assess the situation, and think about how to apply words and actions that that will lead to a successful reconciliation, not words and actions that you feel.
A good beginning point is to consider a "Seinfeld" episode. The story begins with George who is unemployed and living with his parents. He concludes that his poor lot in life has occurred because all his decisions have been bad ones. He decides that from now on he will do the opposite. And of course, in doing the opposite, his life changes dramatically for the better and he ends up with a dream job of working for the New York Yankees. The episode was funny, but it also illustrates an important lesson in life.
Thus, the best strategy you can employ is to do the opposite of your feelings. If your spouse has separated, or is threatening to separate, your response should be, "I agree. The marriage is irrevocably broken. We should get a divorce. Is there anything I can do to help?"
You may think that this is strange, even contrary to the goals of this web site. But as perverse as it seems, this is exactly the strategy that will give you the best chance of reconciling.
Think about what you have accomplished. You are no longer the enemy. You have joined her side, and are working for her good. You have taken away all the weapons that she wants to use against you.
Don't stop there. Be happy. Fake it if you have to. No one wants to be around someone in pain, let alone negotiate a relationship. Your goal is to present yourself as someone worth pursuing, not an object of pity.
Be indifferent. The one that controls any relationship is the one who wants it the least.
The worst thing you can do when buying a car is to fall in love with one. Now the salesman has got you and will not be willing to compromise on price. But as long as you can walk out the door, the salesman has to work to get your business.
I know we are not buying cars here, but human emotions are similar in both cases.
The most important issue is not your disagreements or past failures. Those are all a distant second in priority. The most important issue is to think of it as a situation where your spouse has taken the relationship hostage. Your goal is to break her motivation to hold the prize.
The best and fastest way to do this is to devalue the relationship. If what the spouse is holding hostage becomes worthless, it is not worth holding it. It forces her to try something different to accomplish her goals.
Of most importance, don't argue, reason, cajole, plead, or try anything to talk her out of it. It will not work. Trust me.
You didn't plead and cajole her when you asked her out for a date. You didn't plead and cajole to get her to marry you. You asked, and it was her free choice to make a decision. The situation hasn't changed.
How would you feel if a woman asked you out, and you said no, and then she pleaded and tried to reason with you to persuade you to go? It would be repulsive, and you would want to run.
The same principle applies. All your efforts to reason and persuade will be viciously rejected.
Instead of arguing, act the way you did when you were courting. Be confident, self-assured, even humorous. Communicate through your words and actions that you are a valuable person and give her the opportunity to realize that she just may be losing a good thing.
We humans tend to devalue what we have, and value what we don't have. This is especially true in romantic affairs. Make this little quirk of human nature work for you.
The best way to do this is to communicate the message that there are women out there who would want and appreciate you, and you intend to find them. The point is not to play a game here. The point is to change the whole dynamics of the situation by giving her a different perspective. It gives her a chance to re-evaluate your strengths and weaknesses in a different light.
So now that you have devalued the relationship, acted happy and indifferent, refrained from arguing, and let her know that other women are out there, what can be done to persuade her to change her mind and reconcile with you?
Nothing. I'm sorry. I'm just the messenger. But again, let's assess the situation. If you choose the way of your instincts, you are the big bad enemy trying to force her to submit to your will. Fat chance of that happening.
Instead, you have given her the option of a relationship with a confident winner. It is her choice. She is not being forced into anything. The difference is dramatic.
I know that this is difficult to accept, but this is what you signed up for when you were married. She was free to leave at any time, and there was never a time when you could force her to stay.
Arguing and pleading will only drive her away and validate the reasons why she wants to leave. Acting confident and happy will bolster her incentive to not throw away something valuable.
All you can do in the crisis is to act in a way that will give you the best chance to reconcile. I hope you can see what makes the best sense. I wish you well.
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